What is Love?
Many have attempted to define love, and some claim there are several different types. The Greeks identified four: Philia, Eros, Storge, and Agape—characterized as affectionate, romantic, familial, and unconditional, respectively. I would argue that these are rather crude and to varying degrees, inaccurate. Affectionate, familial, and unconditional strike me more as components of love rather than subtypes. For what it’s worth, if it’s conditional, it’s not love. Nor is “self-love” actually love; I explore this in depth in another blog: Self-Love—A Modern Ideological Error.
Romantic love, on the other hand, is almost entirely the result of a combination of chemicals that are released when we are infatuated—norepinephrine and dopamine, along with the hormone oxytocin that arises from physical contact—sexual or even just cuddling. Oxytocin is also stimulated when mothers breastfeed their babies. These chemicals and hormones serve a purpose, but they do not necessarily indicate love. In romantic relationships the intense feelings often fade when the chemicals wear off, making many believe they have “fallen out of love.” Some people don’t know how to transition into real love and they foolishly end the relationship so they can start the cycle all over again with someone else. What a loss for everyone, especially if children are involved!
You might be asking, then: What is love? At its most basic, love is the desire to do good to others. This is not my definition but it is my favorite because it incorporates all scenarios and types of relationships. Love should be active, as the definition suggests, and not just a passive emotion—it’s not how we feel; it’s what we choose to do for others. In fact, the more we do for another person, the deeper our affection for them grows. Nor is love limited to people with whom we have established relationships; we can love anyone, and we should. Here are some examples of what this can look like:
Not only forgiving those who have wronged us, but sincerely working to understand why they have done so, using the knowledge of our own failures and/or of human psychology, and lending compassion for their shortcomings instead of judging them.
Honoring another’s wishes or needs, even if it leaves us unfulfilled. Recently, a man I’d been in a relationship with for several years decided he needed to be on his own; he struggled to live up to even the most basic compromises that a healthy relationship requires. Although this was not what I wanted—I had invested far more in this relationship than in any other—it would have been a disservice to the love I have for him to do anything but let him go. For now, I can accept loving him from a distance. I hope this brings him peace and happiness.
On a less personal level, even doing good for the community is an act of love, and doing this with others can foster goodwill and affection between those involved. We should encourage our children to participate in these types of activities from a young age to show them the value of service to others and the enjoyment that comes with it.
Ultimately, loving others in this way can only benefit us, as well. Perhaps we might not see this immediately, but genuine selfless love nurtures our souls and affords us the potential for limitless personal progress. Of even greater value is that in doing so, we are honoring Jesus’ single greatest injunction to “Love one another as I have loved you”---with a divine, selfless, profound affection.