A Basic Guide to Dynamic Discourse
At a time when having important conversations can be more challenging than ever due to the extreme polarization of viewpoints and divergence of ideologies, it’s easy to fall prey to the tendency to close yourself off to an opposing opinion, or even go as far as to stop that point of view from being expressed altogether. But I assert that the solution to the disparity of perspectives is not to silence or ignore the voices we disagree with, but rather to widen the doors to communicating respectfully and sincerely; to listen to others as you would like them to listen to you.
How do we go about encouraging and engaging in fruitful discussions with others, especially those with whom we typically tend to disagree? From experience, I can more easily tell you what does not work: attacking the other party personally, labeling or name-calling, and even approaching the discussion as one would a debate, in which there is a theoretical winner. It is important to consider our goals before we communicate, which I believe should include finding the common ground between our respective positions, and then to broaden each other’s viewpoints. We probably shouldn’t have at the forefront of our minds the hope of convincing the other party of our perspective. Ideally, we both should walk away from the discussion better off than when we entered it. For what it’s worth, as I write this, I am painfully aware of how much I need to heed my own suggestions! Please do not feel chastised or condescended to; the process of writing these blogs helps me to remind myself of a better way of interacting with others, as much as it hopefully does the reader.
If we are to create an environment in which both parties feel free to express themselves but are also receptive to new ideas, I believe the first and most crucial step is to listen. I know this doesn’t come easy; it’s not a skill that we have been encouraged to develop, but if we can teach ourselves to really listen, it can have a profound effect on our relationships. Perhaps even more challenging is listening when the other person is expressing contrary views to our own, but if we can achieve this, the benefits can be monumental. I have formulated some very basic suggestions:
Before you begin, try not to allow your own biases to close off your mind. These days, this seems to be the greatest challenge when we explore hot button topics with someone whose political leanings differ from our own. But we must find a way to at least temporarily put that aside and recognize that it doesn’t—or shouldn’t—define who that person is. Start by allowing them to share their views without interrupting or giving them cues that you disagree. When they have fully expressed themselves, restate the shared values and common ideas. Then maybe ask how they came to their position, or how wedded they are to it—sometimes, we hold a certain view simply because someone else we admire or respect does. Give him or her time to answer, and again, listen for points that align with your own. Finally, ask if they are open to hearing your thoughts. If they say no, as frustrating as that might be in the moment, you will have at least brought to their awareness the fact that they are closed off. Maybe this is a small first step in helping them become more receptive to contrary opinions. Even if that’s not the case, forcing your viewpoint upon them now will only serve to deepen the divide; in this scenario, it is best to walk away.
If they are willing to listen, start by gently stating your views, one point at a time. Whenever possible, use facts to support your claims. Allow them to ask questions. Stay calm. Use humor, if appropriate, but never at their expense. My father, a USAF officer who served in five different positions with NATO, often used self-deprecating humor to ease nationalistic tensions, generally with good results. If the other party comes back with strong assertions, ask politely that they back them up with concrete examples or data. If they refuse or you reach an impasse in the exchange, ask if they would be willing to go away and consider what you have said, and offer to do the same, and be sincere. In some cases, it doesn’t matter who is more correct or factual—the greater goal is simply to learn how to navigate these challenging discussions without either party experiencing feelings of anger, frustration, or resignation. Try to end the discussion with a statement of goodwill or affection.
Sometimes when we open ourselves up to the other person’s point of view, and if they present us with compelling evidence, we change our minds. This is good; it is not a sign of weakness—rather, one of courage. Don’t be afraid to admit to being wrong if you sincerely believe that you are. Even if the other party takes advantage of your admission of error, try not to let that affect your stance; recognize that in the long run you are more credible when you are certain of your position if you have allowed yourself to be wrong when appropriate.
At other times, even though we desire to know the truth, it can be extremely difficult to discern. Perhaps this is because we don’t have enough information or maybe mal-intentioned entities are deliberately confusing and misleading us. Another conundrum to bear in mind is that truth is almost never static. One day it can be true that it’s raining; the next that it’s not. Presidential candidate X might have started her political career with the noblest of intentions, but might have been corrupted along the way by lobbyists. This is one reason why it’s unwise and unfair to rush to judge others or to make assumptions about their motivations—we should do our best to give them the benefit of the doubt, just as we would want them to do for us.
When I struggle to determine the validity of an argument or the veracity of information presented to me, I take a moment to quiet my mind and I appeal to an inner guide that we all have access to—the Spirit of Truth. If we sincerely desire to discover the truth at its most replete, even if it means abandoning our prior convictions, it will eventually be revealed to us as a calm, certain knowing that resonates, or rings true. “Intellectual self-consciousness can discover the beauty of truth, its spiritual quality, not only by the philosophic consistency of its concepts, but more certainly and surely by the unerring response of the ever-present Spirit of Truth.” And until we are able to discern that inner guide and distinguish it from all the other noise, there is nothing wrong with taking a position of uncertainty and admitting that we simply don’t know.