Self-love—A Modern Ideological Error

For decades pop psychologists and self-help gurus have been telling us that we cannot love another until we learn to love ourselves.  In his 1972 book entitled “Love,” Leo Buscaglia, motivational speaker and Special Ed professor at the University of Southern California asserted, “To love others you must first love yourself.”  I have always wondered what that actually meant, and for years I questioned if I would ever be capable of loving another, as I sincerely doubted that I had ever truly loved myself.

At age 27 I became pregnant, unplanned and while yet unmarried, suddenly curtailing a rather carefree lifestyle that I and many of my fellow musicians enjoyed.  But when my son was born, I found myself loving him in ways that I never imagined possible.  In fact, this love stretched me as a human being far beyond what I thought I was capable of.  I had no choice but to protect this vulnerable, trusting infant; to respond to his around-the-clock needs; to forgo my own selfish desires in order to provide him the best start in life.  I attended only to my most basic of needs–I counted myself lucky if I managed a few hours of uninterrupted sleep in that first year.  But strangely, I felt no resentment, no diminution of self; rather, I felt better about myself than I ever had previously.

Now, with more years of life experience and a handful of romantic relationships behind me, I can say definitively that Buscaglia and other proponents of the “love yourself first” ideology got it wrong on two fundamental points:  First, it is not self-love that we should aspire to (and which I believe is really just an excuse to be selfish), but rather it is self respect, self confidence, and a healthy measure of self worth.  Second, and perhaps ironically, the single best way to achieve this is to first love others.  But what exactly do I mean by love?  According to popular belief, there are many different types of love, but my favorite definition is as basic and universal as this:  love is the desire to do good to others.  

I’d like to clarify the distinction between aspiring to self-love and acknowledging the very real, pragmatic need to take care of yourself–we may not be in a fit state to do good to others if we have neglected our own basic needs.  There are countless examples:  I could not have nursed my infant son if I hadn’t first nourished myself; you cannot save a drowning person if you don’t know how to swim and protect yourself from being pulled under by them.  Paradoxically, sometimes it is the very fact of being needed by someone else that forces us to take care of ourselves–in my darkest moments as a single mom, I knew that checking out simply wasn’t an option. 

But taking care of yourself is very different from choosing to love yourself, even in the context of romantic relationships.  The choice to love yourself first almost certainly results in the demise of any meaningful connection:  How can two people coexist harmoniously if they both give precedence to their own selfish desires at the expense of the other’s needs and feelings?  The most successful relationship I have enjoyed to date (I am happy to report that I am still working on it) I walked into asking,  “What can I bring to the table?”  In prior relationships I had often mused, “What can he do for me?”  As long as the latter question was at the forefront of my mind, I was destined to be disappointed.  Shifting my approach was game-changing.  Granted, sometimes the other party doesn’t reciprocate, and that can be difficult.  I’d like to address that scenario in another blog, but for now I will say that there is a healthy balance to be maintained.  With that stated, the most important thing to remember is that if we do good for others without anticipation of reciprocation, we are far less likely to be hurt or disappointed.

The best way to demonstrate that loving others results in an improved sense of self worth is to experience it firsthand.  I strongly urge you–perhaps when you are feeling particularly unhappy, lonely, or sorry for yourself–to make a point of doing something good for someone else.  The act can be anything–a phone call to a friend who recently lost a loved one; letting someone go ahead of you in the grocery line; volunteering to pick up trash or feed the homeless.  I promise you, if you do these things with sincere goodwill, you will feel very good about yourself.  You will see the joy you bring to others and you will want to do it again.  You will find opportunities in almost everything you do that entails interacting with another.  You will be the one who lights up a room because you will approach others with a sincere interest in who they are and how they are doing.  Should we strive to do this because it makes us feel better?  Maybe we can start with that goal in mind, but I believe we should do it because it simply is the right thing to do.  And when we do what is right, we align ourselves with goodness, and the greatest source of goodness is God.